Picking Out A Tie

Unlike other parts of this How-To, this section is completely subjective and reveals my personal style. That being said, I think these tips will nevertheless help you select a tie that won't make you look like a complete fool.

1. Be bold. Select a color (I like reds and yellows) that:
   1. Will look nice against the shirts you own; and
   2. Won't completely clash with your skin, hair color. Not being a member of the fairer sex, that's about all I can say.
2. Printed vs Woven ties. Try to look for ties that have the pattern stitched into the fabric as opposed to just printed on. A $50 Jos. A. Banks tie with a woven pattern will look just as nice as a $100 Brooks Brothers printed tie, if not better. That's $50 I just saved you, so beers are on you tonight.
3. Material. Avoid a tie made with cheap material. Basically, if it "ain't silk it ain't worth buying." This mnemonic might help: Be the STAMOS. Silk Ties Are Mad-hip On Shirts.
4. Pattern At all cost, avoid any pictures on your tie, and yes, that includes Garfield. This applies to your socks as well.

The Knots

Four basic knots exist for tying a tie: the Four-In-Hand, the Half-Windsor, the Windsor, and the Pratt knot. I'm ignoring bow ties for now because a) they require special equipment (a bow tie!) and b) unless you happen to be named Bond and have a mechanical shark attached to you right now, you have no business wearing one anyway.

Basically, my advice to you is this: use the Windsor or Half-Windsor for interviews or other formal occasions. Their heftiness and symmetry will convey an air of confidence and draw attention away from the pee stain on your Dockers.

Use a Four-In-Hand when you finally get the job and you no longer have the adrenaline or coordination necessary to tie the Windsor or Half-Windsor in the wee hours of the morning. Beware though: nothing screams, "Hung over!" more than a loosely tied Four-In-Hand against an unshaved neck. So watch it, Drinky McSmokesalot.

Alright let me break it down for you like this: the Four-In-Hand is like the Ford Contour of knots. It's not pretty, it won't win you any awards, but it's popular and gets you where you need to go. It is also the easiest and fastest knot to tie so it's practically required.

Half Windsor

Continuing with our car theme, the Half-Windsor is like the Buick of knots. It projects a sense of confidence without making you out to be a cigar smoking member of the Standard Oil board. It's luxury without pretense. It requires a little bit more time and practice but the results are worth it...

Windsor

This, my friends, is the Bugatti Royale of knots: two tons of perfection. Bullet proof, dressed in leather, and a Straight-8 that puts out more carbon monoxide than three United States. If you're looking to command respect and squash 568 unworthy opponents then this knot is for you. However, wearers of the Windsor knot can be marked out as arrogant, especially as the current fashion is for smaller knots.

Pratt / Shelby / Shelby-Pratt

(a different opinion) The Pratt is the instant, no-effort required, "I need a tie NOW that will look JUST FINE" knot. It's extremely simple to tie, and has a pleasingly symmetrical cone shape that, if somewhat non-descript, always looks more organized than a four-in-hand. Its one disadvantage is that the tie occasionaly comes a little loose around the neck with extended wear, but a simple tug is all that's needed to refresh it. It shapes itself naturally, requires almost no adjustment, forms its own dimples, and is very easy to learn.

(and, on further thought, is the perfect answer to avoiding that "hung over" look. :-)

General Tips

• Check for symmetry. Adjust the knot so that you achieve optimal bilateral symmetry. Re-tie or upgrade to the Windsor if necessary. A slightly leaning knot can be wriggled with so it looks OK, but a seriously cockeyed knot will have the tie falling down your lapel and just look terrible. There are exceptions to this rule. Some knots are meant to be asymmetrical (often worn in Italy, for example). But if you're reading this guide, those knots are probably not for you anyway.
• Keep it tight. I hate to impose pain on a fellow human being but these are just the facts: a properly tied tie will have you feeling like you're swinging from the gallow's pole. But after all this effort, you're going to want your tie to look right, so take a breath, cinch it up nice and tight, and just enjoy the mind-bending hallucinations brought on by depressed O₂ levels. This saying always helped me: "If your face is blue, your tie is square and true."
• The Vicious V. According to the film, Outside Providence, a properly tied tie must possess the Vicious V. This is the sharp V formed by the scruching of the tie where it exits the knot.
• For the tall. Tall people will find that the knot sometimes will end up way "up" on the tie where it is narrow resulting in a small unflattering knot. You may want to look for specially made ties for tall people that will solve this problem.